On Living Alone

My last day with my ex-husband was just about 36 years ago today.  That was the day I packed up my infant son, a few very special personal items, wrote a good bye note and left.  That day I hit the proverbial wall on what I could handle, what I was willing to handle without any further erosion of my being.  So many years later, I am still dealing with that struggle - the need to be myself, to actualize and not just just think about, what I want my life to be. Not that I have been alone all these years. My son Max and lived a very happy and close life until he came of age and moved out permanently after high school.  So there was that.  There have also been the long term live-in boyfriends, the no way long term and short term they will never live-in boyfriends, the not boyfriend friends, the loves, and the losses.  That happened. Now I live alone as I essentially have for decades. 36 years after leaving my married life behind, have I gotten any further in the exploration of that precious "self" that I so desire?  Have I acutalized anything other than the drone of day to day life? Let's see. Do idiosychrasies count? Do personal passions count? Does a raucous holiday or quiet weekend with family matter? What about traveling across country to spend time with dear friends - does that matter in a life? Do nights alone sitting by an open fire, being inspired by music, sipping champagne, petting a cat, watching the snow fall, hiking a mountain trail, planting a seed, picking a flower, dinner with friends, yoga with strangers - does any of that matter? Do I live alone? Yes.  Does that matter?  No.

Past remembrance + Current events = Future action

Rather than restate these thoughts, I will share an essay I wrote in high school.  As true today as ever.

Power to the People

I have deferred posting any new blogs til the election was over because I didn't want to add any further to the rancorous debate about our candidates.  Now that its nearly a done deal (January 6 will tell who the electors chose) I am struggling like many others with how to go about the next four years.  What can we do? is the cry heard from citizens who disagree with the choice we are faced with and a question I have asked myself alot in the last month. I have also signed petitions - there is a new one nearly every day - and donated to advocacy groups that share my politics, and contacted my legislators to voice concerns about issues, and so forth.  But I figure if I chase every issue every time it comes up in the news, I will spread myself too thin to be effective.  Besides how many petitions can you reasonably expect to have any impact at all.  So I have decided to focus on one issue and sink my teeth into it by supporting the one or two groups that best demonstrate the same commitment I have to that issue.  That means donate, share, join, march, call and write on their behalf and push push push. If each of us dedicates ourselves wholly to a single issue, that will create a power that is concentrated and can make a difference.  Take your pick of issues; there's minority and immigrant issues, reproductive rights, climate change, voter intimidation, fossil fuels, LGBTQ, corporate excess, qualifications for office, supreme court, and on and on.  Who remembers the '60's? Time again to give the power back to the people. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wos-dDxpJlQ

Open Letter to the Lamestream Media

I am no fan of Sarah Palin (other than the brilliant Tina Fey takeoffs on SNL) but I must stand with Palin against what she calls the Lamestream media. Which is why I wrote this post on Facebook today. "Open letter to CNN, MSNBC and any other media outlets feeding the beast by giving The Donald free airtime day after day after day and by lobbing softballs his way. Be the journalists we need you to be: ask tough questions, challenge baseless responses and clear the way to a true understanding of the difficult situations we face today and for years to come." I am stunned by the ceaseless ass kissing that I see on the cable news channels. At this point there are very few of those that I will tune into and trust me, the minute there is reference to an upcoming Trump interview.....I am outta there! I know we have a long way to go til the election, but every primary and every caucus that goes by just further entrenches the viewpoints espoused by the candidates, especially the leading candidates. I have to wonder if the leaders would be leading without the generous support of commentators paying daily homage to the dealmaker par excellence. My title for The Donald is not dealmaker rather "master manipulator at large". Just because he dusted off his family bible and waved it in front of the camera does not make him a devout believer let alone an evangelical. Such is the stuff of modern media that this showmanship transpires as news worthy of prime time. I can go on but I made a commitment to myself that I would not play in the mud at this stage, and would wait til the election when I will do what is the only reasonable option for this country - vote Democrat. So I swear - this is the last rant about the current state of election affairs that you will hear from me.

To Tree or Not To Tree

I have not had a real Christmas tree since my son was about 10 years old - today he turns 34 so its been a long time. It sort of evolved gradually, first as an attempt to inject some creativity into the usual decorations I grew up with. Then it was a question of whether it would be better to get an artificial tree that would last more than a year. Then it became a question of whether we should be cutting down those living, breathing, carbon-sucking, fragrant pine beauties for a week or two of indoor entertainment. Finally I landed on the side of keeping the trees in the ground where I think they belong. But that doesn't mean that a shimmering plastic thing is making its way from China to my house or that there are no twinkling Christmas lights at play but it does mean that I still rely on an extra dose of creativity to keep it festive. Best still, I like to decorate my outdoor trees which, by the grace of mother nature, are the perfect size and shape to hold the lights that I so adore. This way I get to enjoy the holiday without sweeping loose pine needles off the floor every day or without the disasters that my tree-climbing cat would inevitably inflict on said tree. I only ask one thing for all the real tree fans, please please please recycle responsibly. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my family and friends.

Enough Already

The death and destruction wrought by ISIS and their particular brand of hatred saddens and scares the heck out of me. They seem as inurred to the connections between all the humans on this one planet as the tyrants planted throughout our history. They are every bit as sadistic as Hitler was towards Jews and other Eastern Europeans, as Stalin was toward Ukrainians and other Slavs, as Idi Amin was towards Ugandans, as murderous as Milosevic was in Yugoslavia and and and..... Human history is peppered with unspeakable crimes of human against fellow human, each stemming from some intrinsic mistaken notion of the perpetrators own superiority and, hence, the disposability of those who stand in their march towards some nihilistic destiny. What saddens and upsets me as well is the reaction of the haters, i.e. those who have decided to be judge and jury on events way out of the control of even the most enlightened among us; those who choose to cast a vote against compassion and justice; those who were born into the freedom of this great country, and especially those, who were themselves welcomed as immigrants and refugees, but who reject reason and succumb to the same hatred that spawned the great tragedy in Paris. How many of us who live comfortably in our warm homes, or how many of us who fled from any calamity remember how we are protected and saved, yes saved, from a fate as terrible as any faced by the refugees of today? On the other hand, how many of us can forget? We must not and cannot forget that it was the kindness and bravery of others who made possible the lives we and our children enjoy today, and it is our duty to pay it forward. Nobody asked my mother, my father or me if we would be model citizens...they just took in us refugees, gave us shelter and the start of a new life. It pains me to see hatred aimed at people even more unfortunate than I was back in 1949. All I can think is but for the grace of the universe, it would be me floating on an endless ocean only to wash up on a cold, cruel shore.

Heck.

Heck is the least I want to say right now. Let's start with the immediate and obvious target of "What the heck is going on in this country" is the rise of the Trump machine. So I say, What the....? Does anyone believe that this sideshow can amount to anything remotely doable? Has there been a single plan put forward by this poll-leading reality show whereby we can judge how any of the high rhetoric will be realized? Maybe this another one of those times when I vow to move to Canada or beyond if this fiasco goes forward. Next is the "What the heck is anyone thinking while the climate disinigrates taking all of us with it". Where is the outrage when entire species disappear? Or when our own lives are endangered by rising sea levels, burning plains, raging rivers, tornatoes and hurricanes without match? Where are the demands for action....immediate action!? Next is "What is going on around my town"? There are empty storefronts as far as the eye can see. There is much wringing of the hands but no immediate concerted action. Each and every citizen has a stake in filling those empty stores with products and services they can use yet we sit back and wait for.......? Someone else to do it? Some miracle to happen? Some pennies from heaven to finance an economic resurgence? Finally, everywhere I turn there are empty lots growing weeds, needing mowing or vicious wacking, inpinging ugliness onto what could otherwise be attractive and productive spaces. As a gardener I say if you see something, do something. If you see a weed - pull it or better still replace it with something beautiful. No one else owns our lives and the immediate as well as far environment in which we inhabit our lives. It's all in our hands and no one elses.